If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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