What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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