I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
