I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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