Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
