dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
