I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
