I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
