Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
