is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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