You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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