and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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