Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
