I love black thongs
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
