My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
