You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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