As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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