Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
