how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
