I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
