Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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