My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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