I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
