i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
