He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
