I can text with my tongue
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
