just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
