I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
