I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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