Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
