Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
