youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
