saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
The ass gains better be worth it
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