you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
