Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
