You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Is it penis luge time yet?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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