Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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