It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
