i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
