today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
i've created a new STD.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
