There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
