i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
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