Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
