I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
