Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
