Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
