think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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