make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
