I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
A+ Viking dick
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
