Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I seem to have left my pride at pride
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
