his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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